I fucking hate this fucking feeling. Why does everyone fucking make me feel like i'm the biggest fool. I'm always the last one to find out about every dirty little secret. Trust? Whats the point of having trust in a r/s. When you already know what he's been doing or what he might have done. To keep on forgiving him without letting him know you've already found out about his secret? I'm so over this i swear.

I tried to keep everything to myself without ever letting you know. But curiosity always takes over. Is this my fault? Idk if i should apologise. I'm really too ignorant, it shouldnt have turned out this way. Trust, such a simple word but it holds so much meaning in it. It tends to tear things apart.

I feel like tearing you apart. I so much want to slaughter you. To never see you again. I cant face you and your lies anymore. There are millions and billions of words but none are suitable. I want to see you. I feel so messy. I really cant believe what i heard. Whats more its coming from she herself. And i really cant force myself not to notice you. Its really hard. You just keep appearing in my thoughts. I could spend hours thinking of you before i fall alseep.

This is killing me. Tell me honestly, am i a fool? Someone whom you can lie your way through. Please, i've been doing alot of thinking again. And i feel that i'm that person, a fool. But if lying can make you feel better, i'd rather you lie to me forever. At least, that way, forever would be mine. But even the sound of it sounds impossible right.

I tried to hate everything about you. In hope that i could forget the past. Hey but c'mon the past will always be memories. Even so, right from the start i knew i couldnt make it. I'm only deceiving myself from something thats so deceiving.

Days like these are what i want to run away from. I dont wish to indulge myself in anymore of this nonesence ever again. Its something i must live with everyday. Its so demeaning of my pride. I cant imagine if this has to continue. Is this considered coming to my senses? Its really like a fool living in a world filled with so many lies.

A reason for all that i do, and the reason is you.
I just want to say that i still love you despite the times i failed to hate you.
I love you.

I got you a carousel, if thats what its called. Its handmade, made of wood. I havent added colours to it, but idk if it'll look better. Browsing through the past, there really seems to be a deep feeling lingering around my mind. It still feels like its there since that day. You're set in my heart and it never seems to fade. The only difference could only be there's a difference in you, just you. There's one which everyone's wishing for. But they only happen in dreams. So i'm waiting for the real thing.

"I may be wrong, but we're not meant to be. Or rather, i want it to be this way cause i dont like you lol. Cause i still have him on my mind the whole time. I see his picture on my phone every single day. And i like it the way it is now. I have no intentions of changing it at all. So just do what you deem fit. But dont bother me and tell me things that are meaningless without actions. You should know who you are. K? Bye. "

Reality used to be better than dreams until you left.

Well, its best if no one knows about anything at all. Whats the point of doing everything you can when you fully know that nothing comes out of it. There's something i've been really really wishing for to come, but it just hasnt been fufilled. Could be the time's not ripe yet, or that i've been rather picky if you would judge. Guess that answer only she knows. I force myself to think, well i have to anyway. About everything that happens, just wondering why it isnt me. It used to be rather hard, now its even worst. To an extend i feel that i really need to do something about myself. Well, i really have to change. And fact is, i will. To achieve something that i really needed for such a long time.

If you ever wondered, why do people ask 'why' questions instead of 'how' questions. Yea, and i just asked a 'why' question. -.-
I'll start with trying.

Yesterday was really tough, my head was fucking pain. A very bad hangover the next day. Shouldnt have drunk so much. Kept throwing up, the feeling really sucks. Didnt get a proper sleep either. Beckah, where are you i really need your advices. Quickly.

Really, its true. Just go take a look around.
I'm left with none, really no one.
From what i saw, the feeling's rather depressing.
I cant keep none, it always happens.
They dont stay for long. BECKAH, WHY!
I always have something that i dont want.

Well, fact its that i'm really honestly seriously painfully very lonely. Yea exactly, very. There isnt anyone. Be it you or him, why her. Why. Just why. I used think that i had everyone, and everything that i wanted. But now, i realised that it isnt just purely about materialistic measures, there's just something more. It aint about being popular as well, neither is it owning everything. Just think about it, people just arent who they are outside. Guess thats how i lost every last one. I just wonder, how to.

And, just by the way you people answer questions, its easy to tell how much you mean what you say. Ya, k, bye, whatever. -.-

Beckah, just 2 more days you're out and i'd get to see you already. Hope everything goes really well for you. If you can get someone to text me. Loveyoulotz.

Now, you wont ever have to run a million miles.
And, i would still keep you in my heart.
Does that still ring a bell to you?

Nobody wants to be the last one there.
Everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
Nobody wants to do it on their own.
And everyone wants to know they're not alone.

Well, maybe i was wrong all along.
Compromise, guess its hard.
Or rather, i never had the chance to do so.
or, maybe i've been its just that you never did the same.
Reason being, we were never close right from the start.
Some things are different, just different.
Like you.

Time is going by, so much faster than I.

Frankly speaking, i still love you.
I'll even wait till the day you'll be out.
Since then, everything i've done will be all for you.

Here's a song, for the night that we drink too much.
That cupid couldnt catch you.
Well, big boy i miss you way too much.
"There just isnt one day that could go by without me thinking of you."
Is that enough to show how much i'm missing you? ):

This is hard, really hard.
But daddy says you've gotta try out everything.
I can only repeat, that its lonely everyday.
Its useless to continue, cause i know i'll be losing everything.
Well, i'm gonna change everything. Everything within my means.
I love you big mofo.

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